PROVERBES:

Le monde appartient a ceux dont les ouvriers se lèvent tôt

Sur les calendriers Bretons :

Pluie en novembre, Noël fin décembre
Noël en décembre, pluie en janvier
Gel en février fait l'eau se solidifier
Pingouins dans les champs, hivers méchants
Quand le merle chante en mai, avril est fini

Bretons de mer (s'appliquent aussi aux autres races de voileux):

Quand les mouettes ont pied, il est temps de virer
Horizon pas net, reste a la buvette
Quand les mouettes volent bec au vent, signe de mauvais temps

et ça continue :

Un verre ça va, 3 verres... ça va, ça va, ça va !
Il vaut mieux être saoul que con, ça dure moins longtemps.
Ceux qui boivent pour oublier sont priés de payer d'avance, merci.
On boira du lait quand les vaches mangeront du raisin.
Conduire ou choisir, il faut boire.
Tout a une fin, sauf le saucisson qui en a deux.
Qui vole un oeuf n'a pas de poule.
Un clavier AZERTY en vaut deux.
Si l'argent n'achète pas l'amour, ça facilite nettement les négociations!

SYMPTOM: Feel cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feel warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch them.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Subject: Les telecoms, il y a 55000 ans

Des archéologues allemands ont trouvé, à 50 mètres de
profondeur, des résidus de cuivre. Après examen
minutieux, l'Allemagne annonce qu'il y a 25000 ans,
les Goths avaient un réseau téléphonique.

Bien entendu, le gouvernement anglais ne se laisse pas
impressionner et ordonne des fouilles encore plus
profondes. A 100 mètres, les archéologues anglais
découvrent des débris de verre et annoncent qu'il y a 35000 ans, les Anglais avaient un réseau en fibre optique.

Les chercheurs français sont vexés. Ils
creusent à 200 mètres et ne trouvent absolument rien. Ils
en concluent qu'il y a 55000 ans, les Gaulois
avaient des téléphones mobiles.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closing. So, the Irishman stands up to leave and
falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He
figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up.

Once outside, he stands up and falls flat on his face. So,
he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the
door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door
into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to
stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly
falls right into bed and is sound asleep, as soon as his head hits the
pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him
shouting at him.
- "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
- "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
- "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

"The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not vailable at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in < the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France-is-Great-and-the-Rest-of-the-World- is-Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A word of warning: The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always takeour holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck."

En prenant le train, un anglais, un francais et une etudiante suedoise (jeune et jolie ....) se retrouvent dans le meme compartiment. L'anglais est assis en face du francais et de la suedoise.

Apres quelques kilometres de parcours, le train entre dans un long tunnel, plongeant ainsi les voyageurs dans une obscurite totale pendant plusieurs secondes.

Dans le noir complet, on entend alors dans le compartiment le bruit d'un gros baiser mouille suivi de celui d'une claque donnee a pleine volee.

Sortis finalement du tunel et de l'obscurite, le francais et la jeune suedoise se retrouvent assis comme si rien ne s'etait passe alors que l'anglais se frotte une joue toute endolorie et encore marquee d'une trace de main. Apparemment c'etait lui qui avait pris la baffe.

La jeune suedoise songea : "L'anglais a essaye de m'embrasser dans le noir, il s'est trompe et le francais lui a retourne une claque".

L'anglais reflechit : "Ce cochon de francais a du essaye d'embrasser la fille qui s'est trompee en pensant que c'etait moi".

De son cote, le francais gloussait : "Au prochain tunnel, je refais le bruit du baiser et je donne une autre baffe a l'anglais".

In the beginning there was a Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying.
"It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to each other:
"It contains what aids in plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab
you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my
bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove
me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no
avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body
still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to
forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.....

You fucking mosquito!