EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA

 
  1. Indecision is the key to flexibility 
  2. You can't tell the way the train went by looking at the track 
  3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation 
  4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain 
  5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be 
  6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough 
  7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant 
  8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication 
  9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the rest of the world 
 10 Things are more likely they are today than they ever were before 
 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for 
 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler 
 13. Friends may come and go, enemies accumulate 
 14. I have seen the truth, and it does not make sense 
 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of criticism 
 16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody 
 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap 
 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame 
 19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday 
 20. Every time you try to make ends meet, they move the ends 
 21. Not one shred of evidence supports supports the notion that life is serious 
 22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on 
 23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it 
 24. Never wrestle a pig: you both get dirty and the pig likes it 
 25. The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realise it's a do-it-yourself thing 
 26. Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines

 

ONE FOR THE SWEDES

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and a 
Swede, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the final 
hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his 
inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American is 
brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being 
tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by 
diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and 
then running away. 

 The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8, 
 ......" Just before the officer reaches "1," the American shouts, 
 "FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn 
 around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the 
 American manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the 
 executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way  deep into the woods. 

 The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the 
 American's success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He 
 knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick 
 again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. 

 The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8, 
 ......" Just before the officer reaches "1," the German shouts, 
 "HURRICANE!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and 
 turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, 
 the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time 
 the executioners are aware of what happened, the German has made his way  deep into the woods. 

  The Swede is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his 
 predecessor's successes, the Swede decides to attempt a similar escape. 
 He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or 
 the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another 
 natural disaster. 

 The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8, 
 ......" Just before the officer reaches "1," the Swede shouts, "FIRE!!"

 Lesson Number One:

   A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. 
   A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like 
   you and do nothing all day long?" 
   The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the 
   ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox 
   appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

   Moral of the story is:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you 
   must be sitting very, very high... 

 =============================================================== 

Lesson Number Two:

   A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
   get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't 
   got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my 
   droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." 
   The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually 
   gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. 
   The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second 
   branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched 
   at the top of the tree. 
   Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey 
   out of the tree. 

   Moral of the story:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it 
   won't keep you there. 

================================================================== 

Lesson Number Three

   When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. 
   The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole 
   body's responses and functions." 
   The feet said, "  We should be Boss as we carry the brain about 
   and get it to where it wants to go." 
   The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the 
   work and earn all the money." 
   And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes 
   until finally the asshole spoke up. 
   All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the 
   Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and 
   refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, 
   the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs 
   began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all 
   decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was 
   passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just 
   sat and passed out the shit! 

   Moral of the story:  You don't need brains to be a Boss - any 
   asshole will do. 
 

 

A guy was walking along the beach in San Diego one day and finds a very 
old oil lamp.  He picks it up and rubs it and poof! out comes a genie in a 
puff of smoke.  The genie says, "I'm getting tired of this!  You're the 
fifth person today who has bothered me.  I usually give three wishes but 
because I'm so tired I'm only giving one wish.  So think hard and make it 
a good wish because it's all you're going to get!" 

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "You know, I always wanted to go to 
Hawaii but I'm afraid of airplanes and boats so I could never go.  If you 
could build me a bridge from San Diego to Hawaii I could drive my car 
across it anytime I wanted to.  That's my wish...a bridge from here to 
Hawaii." 

The genie says, "A BRIDGE FROM HERE TO HAWAII!!!  Are you crazy!!!!  Do 
you know how many pilings I would have to drive, how deep they would have 
to go into the ocean floor...there aren't that many pilings in the whole 
world.  And think of all the steel that it would take to build a bridge 
hundreds and hundreds of miles long.  No, I'm sorry but I'm too tired to 
do all that.  You'll have to make a different wish." 

The guy thinks again and says, "Ok.  I've always wanted to understand 
women.  What makes them the way they are?  Why do they suddenly go from 
being happy to being blue?  What makes them cry?  Why do they get mad at 
me when I didn't do anything wrong? That's my wish...I want to understand 
what makes women tick." 

The genie sighs, rolls its eyes and says,
"Now, about that bridge.  Do you want two lanes or four?" 
 

 

Scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a 
look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent 
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. 
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To 
test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was 
then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively 
without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed 
to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize 
when wrong. No further testing is planned. 
 

 

 Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview   between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. 

 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" 

 GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." 

 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" 

 GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." 

 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous 
 activity to be teaching children?" 

 GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm." 

 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." 

 GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" 

 The radio went silent and the interview ended. 
 

 

              Y2 K  Date Change Mission

        To the Management, 

        I have completed the 20 months of work on time and on budget. 
        I have gone through every line of code in every program in 
        every system. I have analyzed all databases, all data files,
        including backups and historic archives, and modified all 
        data to reflect the change.

        I am proud to report that I have completed the "Y2K" date 
        change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all 
        programs and all data to reflect your new standards: 
        Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, 
        September, October, November, December As well as: 
        Sundak, Mondak,Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak. 

        I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none 
        of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I 
        understand it is a global problem, and I was glad to help in 
        any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? 

        Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next when the 
        two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? 

        I await your direction. 
        Sincerely

 

   Dilbert's Rule of Order
 

       1- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 
       2- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 
       3- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to  get along without it. 
       4- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and  some days the statue. 
       5- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you 
       won't be needing him again. 
       6- I don't have an attitude problem, you have a  perception problem. 
       7- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? 
       8- My reality check bounced. 
       9- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 
       10- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 
       11- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 
       12- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 
       13- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 
       14- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 
       15- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 
       16- Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 
       17- After any salary raise, you will have less  money at the end of the month than you did before. 
       18- If you settle, you will never know excellence. 
       19- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 
       20- Instead of Monday, the official week should have Tuesday twice. 
       21- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 
       22- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 
       23- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 
       24- Reading the directions is best - after 2 hours of creative engineering on your own 
       25- When confronted by a difficult problem, you can  solve it more easily by reducing it to the 
       question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"