page 1
/ page 2
/ page
3 / page
4
|
Le Pen score at the elections vs Chernobyl radioactive
fallout
|
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility
2. You can't tell the way the train went by looking at the
track
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the rest
of the world
10 Things are more likely they are today than they ever were
before
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler
13. Friends may come and go, enemies accumulate
14. I have seen the truth, and it does not make sense
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of criticism
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday
20. Every time you try to make ends meet, they move the ends
21. Not one shred of evidence supports supports the notion that
life is serious
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it
24. Never wrestle a pig: you both get dirty and the pig likes
it
25. The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before
you realise it's a do-it-yourself thing
26. Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines
|
-----------------
|
ONE FOR THE SWEDES
Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German
and a
Swede, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad.
As the final
hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape
his
inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American
is
brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold
is being
tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape
by
diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment,
and
then running away.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8,
......" Just before the officer reaches "1," the American
shouts,
"FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their
rifles and turn
around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this
confusion, the
American manages to take off his blindfold and run away.
By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the American
has made his way deep into the woods.
The German is called on next to appear before the squad.
Seeing the
American's success, the German decides to attempt a similar
escape. He
knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for
the 'flood' trick
again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8,
......" Just before the officer reaches "1," the German
shouts,
"HURRICANE!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from
their rifles and
turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of
the confusion,
the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away.
By the time
the executioners are aware of what happened, the German
has made his way deep into the woods.
The Swede is called on next to appear before the squad.
Seeing his
predecessor's successes, the Swede decides to attempt
a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall
for the 'flood' or
the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use
another
natural disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8,
......" Just before the officer reaches "1," the Swede
shouts, "FIRE!!"
|
|
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all
day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can
I also sit like
you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit
sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden,
a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing
nothing, you
must be sitting very, very high...
===============================================================
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love
to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't
got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some
of my
droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly
perched
at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey
out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you
to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
==================================================================
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted
to be Boss.
The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control
the whole
body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry
the brain about
and get it to where it wants to go."
The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we
do all the
work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs
and the eyes
until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole
being the
Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself
up and
refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became
crossed,
the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart
and lungs
began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually
they all
decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was
passed. All the other parts did all the work while
the Boss just
sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains
to be a Boss - any
asshole will do.
|
|
A guy was walking along the beach in San Diego one day and finds
a very
old oil lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and poof! out comes
a genie in a
puff of smoke. The genie says, "I'm getting tired of this!
You're the
fifth person today who has bothered me. I usually give three
wishes but
because I'm so tired I'm only giving one wish. So think
hard and make it
a good wish because it's all you're going to get!"
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "You know, I always wanted
to go to
Hawaii but I'm afraid of airplanes and boats so I could never
go. If you
could build me a bridge from San Diego to Hawaii I could drive
my car
across it anytime I wanted to. That's my wish...a bridge
from here to
Hawaii."
The genie says, "A BRIDGE FROM HERE TO HAWAII!!! Are you
crazy!!!! Do
you know how many pilings I would have to drive, how deep they
would have
to go into the ocean floor...there aren't that many pilings in
the whole
world. And think of all the steel that it would take to
build a bridge
hundreds and hundreds of miles long. No, I'm sorry but I'm
too tired to
do all that. You'll have to make a different wish."
The guy thinks again and says, "Ok. I've always wanted
to understand
women. What makes them the way they are? Why do they
suddenly go from
being happy to being blue? What makes them cry? Why
do they get mad at
me when I didn't do anything wrong? That's my wish...I want to
understand
what makes women tick."
The genie sighs, rolls its eyes and says,
"Now, about that bridge. Do you want two lanes or four?"
|
|
Scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take
a
look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a
recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To
test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It
was
then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively
without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive,
failed
to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize
when wrong. No further testing is planned.
|
|
Note: This is an exact replication of National Public
Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy
Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your
base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become
violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
|
|
Y2 K Date Change Mission
To the Management,
I have completed the
20 months of work on time and on budget.
I have gone through
every line of code in every program in
every system. I have
analyzed all databases, all data files,
including backups and
historic archives, and modified all
data to reflect the
change.
I am proud to report
that I have completed the "Y2K" date
change mission, and
have now implemented all changes to all
programs and all data
to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark,
March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October,
November, December As well as:
Sundak, Mondak,Tuesdak,
Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this
is satisfactory, because to be honest, none
of this "Y to K" problem
has made any sense to me. But I
understand it is a
global problem, and I was glad to help in
any way possible. And
what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which,
what do you think we ought to do next when the
two digit year rolls
over from 99 to 00?
I await your direction.
Sincerely
|
|
Dilbert's Rule of Order
1- I can only please one person
per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2- I love deadlines. I especially
like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3- Tell me what you need, and I'll
tell you how to get along without it.
4- Accept that some days you are
the pigeon and some days the statue.
5- Needing someone is like needing
a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you
won't be needing him again.
6- I don't have an attitude problem,
you have a perception problem.
7- Last night I lay in bed looking
up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck
is the ceiling?
8- My reality check bounced.
9- On the keyboard of life, always
keep one finger on the escape key.
10- I don't suffer from stress.
I am a carrier.
11- You are slower than a herd
of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12- Do not meddle in the affairs
of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13- Everybody is somebody else's
weirdo.
14- Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15- A pat on the back is only a
few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16- Don't be irreplaceable - if
you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17- After any salary raise, you
will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18- If you settle, you will never
know excellence.
19- You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20- Instead of Monday, the official
week should have Tuesday twice.
21- People who go to conferences
are the ones who shouldn't.
22- If it wasn't for the last minute,
nothing would get done.
23- When you don't know what to
do, walk fast and look worried.
24- Reading the directions is best
- after 2 hours of creative engineering on your own
25- When confronted by a difficult
problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"
|