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WORLD ECONOMY
 

  FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. 

  PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them 
  in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the 
 cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. 

   BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and 
 puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by 
 ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government 
 took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as 
  many eggs as the regulations say you should need. 

   FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take 
 care of them, and sells you the milk. 

   PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of 
 them, and you all share the milk. 

   RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but 
 the government takes all the milk. 

  DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. 

  SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for 
 keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. 

   MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. 

   PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. 

   REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone 
 to tell you who gets the milk. 

   AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you 
 vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating 
 in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

   BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and 
 they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. 

   BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what 
 you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk 
 them.
   After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk 
 down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the 
 missing cows. 

   ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or 
 your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. 

   CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. 

   HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your 
 publicly - listed company, using letters of  credit opened by your 
 brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated 
 general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a  tax deduction for 
 keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a 
 Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the 
 majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to 
 the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight 
 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because 
 the fung shui is bad. 

   ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking 
 or killing them. 

   FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. 

   TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies 
 they ever existed. Milk is banned. 

   POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 
 "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant 
 past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of 
 non-specified gender. 

   COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You got 
 to have some of this milk. 

   SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take 
 harmonica lessons. 
 

 
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE

I stepped in shit:      Dung On Mai Shu 
Let's sleep together:     Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu 
I bumped into the coffee table:    Ai Bang Mai Ne 
An unattractive woman:      Fat ho 
A gay liberation greeting:   Ar U Wun Tu 
You need a face lift:     Chin Tu Fat 
A stupid person:     Dum Gai 
Is that a banana in your pocket?:     Wel Hung Gai 
Approach me:    Kum Hia 
Southern Chinese dialect for Welcome:   Won Hung Low 
Gilligan's Island:    Lao Ze Sho 
An ancient Chinese invention:   Gun Pao Der 
A former late night talk show host:    Jan Ne Ka Sun 
Which one of you fertilized the field:  Hu Flung Dung 
Not very good:    Lao Ze 
We have a reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive: Hu Yu Hai Ding 
An illegal execution:   Lin Ching 
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs:  Ne Ahn 
A great achievement of the American space program:     Moon Lan Ding 
A bashful person:   Shai Gai 
A premature infant:    Tai Ne Bae Be 
There is no reason to raise your voice:    Wai U Shao Ting 
Serving drinks to people:   Ten Ding Ba 
A person with T.B.:    Wan Bum Lung 
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you:   Yu Mai Te Tan 
Cleaning an automobile:     Wa Shing Kah 
Are you trying to save electricity:   Wai So Dim 
A small horse:        Tai Ne Po Ne

 
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas 
             website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of 
             humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) 
             and made the web department take it down immediately. 
 

             Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. 
             In order to protect your new investment, please take a few 
             moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering 
             the survey questions is not required, but the information will help 
             us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 

             1. 

             [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified 
             First Name: _______________ Initial: __ Last Name: 
             _______________ 
             Code Name: __________ Password: ________ (max 8 char) 
             Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ____ ____ ____ 

             2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? 

             [_] F-14 Tomcat 
             [_] F-15 Eagle 
             [_] F-16 Falcon 
             [_] F-117A Stealth 
             [_] Classified 

             3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../.. 

             4. Serial Number: _________________________ 

             5. Please check where this product was purchased: 

             [_] Received as gift / aid package 
             [_] Catalog showroom 
             [_] Independent arms broker 
             [_] Mail order 
             [_] Discount store 
             [_] Government surplus 
             [_] Classified 

             6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas 
             product you have just purchased: 

             [_] Heard loud noise, looked up 
             [_] Store display 
             [_] Espionage 
             [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally 
             [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer 
             [_] Was attacked by one 

             7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your 
             decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: 

             [_] Speed / maneuverability 
             [_] Price / value 
             [_] Comfort / convenience 
             [_] Kickback / bribe 
             [_] Recommended by salesperson 
             [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation 
             [_] Advanced Weapons Systems 
             [_] Backroom politics 
             [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 

             8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: 

             [_] Iraq 
             [_] North America 
             [_] Central / South America 
             [_] Iraq 
             [_] Europe 
             [_] Africa 
             [_] Iraq 
             [_] Asia / Far East 
             [_] Misc. Third World countries 
             [_] Iraq 
             [_] Aircraft carrier 
             [_] Classified 

             9. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check alll that apply:) 

             [_] Communist / Socialist 
             [_] Terrorist 
             [_] Crazed 
             [_] Neutral 
             [_] Democratic 
             [_] Dictatorship 
             [_] Corrupt 
             [_] Primitive / Tribal 

             10. Your occupation: 

             [_] Homemaker 
             [_] Sales / marketing 
             [_] Revolutionary 
             [_] Clerical 
             [_] Mercenary 
             [_] Tyrant 
             [_] Middle management 
             [_] Eccentric billionaire 
             [_] Defense Minister / General 
             [_] Retired 
             [_] Student 

             11. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate 
             the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy 
             participating on a regular basis: 

             [_] Golf 
             [_] Boating / sailing 
             [_] Running / jogging 
             [_] Sabotage 
             [_] Propaganda / disinformation 
             [_] Destabilization / overthrow 
             [_] Black market / smuggling 
             [_] Collectibles / collections 
             [_] Watching sports on TV 
             [_] Interrogation / torture 
             [_] Household pets 
             [_] Crushing rebellions 
             [_] Espionage / reconnaissance 
             [_] Border disputes 
             [_] Mutually Assured Destruction 
             [_] Fashion clothing 

             Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your 
             answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell 
             Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to 
             receive mailings and special offers from other companies, 
             governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. 

             As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to 
             win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! 

 

 Subject: FW: Manchester Olympic Bid 2004

 In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic 
 committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the 
 organisers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and 
 schedule of events. 

 A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below. 

 OPENING CEREMONY 
 The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native 
 of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the 
 traditional balaclava. 
 The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of 
 the stadium. 

 THE EVENTS 
 In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been 
 particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the 
 events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' 
 athletes. 

 100 METRES SPRINT 
 Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one 
 in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog  will 
 be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 

 100 METRES HURDLES 
 As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, garden 
 fences, walls etc.) 

 HAMMER 
 Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to 
 use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the 
 most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time 
 allowed. 

 FENCING 
 Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery 
 as possible in 5 mins.

 SHOOTING 
 A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. 
 The first  target will be a moving police van. In the second round, 
 competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor 
 style wages delivery man. 

 BOXING 
 Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and 
 will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints 
 of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he 
 gets  home.  The bout will then commence. 

 CYCLING TIME TRIALS 
 Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and 
 take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the 
 country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock 

 CYCLING PURSUIT 
 As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the 
 Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. 

 MODERN PENTATHLON 
 Amended to include mugging, breaking  and entering, flashing, joy riding 
 and arson. 

 THE MARATHON 
 A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued 
 with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way 
 round the course. 

 SWIMMING 
 Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. 
 The first three survivors back, will decide the medals. 

 MENS 50KM WALK 
 Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot 
 guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester. 

 THE CLOSING CEREMONY 
 Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the 
 Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised 
 rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. 
 The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old 
 washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next 
 to the stadium. 
 The stadium will be then be boarded up before the local athletes break 
 into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating 
 boiler. 

 
 Les anglais sont tres forts sur la terminologie du ware en informatique 
  (shareware, hardware, freeware, software, Netware, etc.) Comme tous ces termes sont en anglais, quelqu'un de l'office de la langue francaise a pense a les traduire en francais. 

   Voici ce que ca donne : 

  Abreuvware: serveur de reseau 
  Assomware: logiciel tres difficile a comprendre 
  Aurevware: procedure de sortie d'un logiciel 
  Baigneware: Logiciel de nettoyage du disque rigide 
  Boudware: logiciel dedie a la meditation 
  Cherware: logiciel qui coute la peau des fesses 
  Cibware: logiciel mal fait qui nous sanctifie lorsqu'on l'utilise 
  Depotware: poubelle de Windows 
  Dortware: logiciel plat a dormir debout 
  Egoutware: logiciel qui filtre les donnees inutiles 
  Embaumware: logiciel dedie a l'archivage de longue duree 
  Entonware: logiciel de compression de donnees 
  Isolware: logiciel d'application electorale 
  Manware: logiciel destine aux personnes riches 
  Mirware: logiciel de copie 
  Mouchware: logiciel antivirus 
  Oratware: logiciel qu'il faut prier pour esperer qu'il fonctionne 
  Purgatware: logiciel dont il faut se confesser apres utilisation 
  Promontware: logiciel d'observation 
  Promouvware: logiciel de demonstration 
  Rotisware: salle d'informatique mal climatisee 
  Suppositware: logiciel qui fait chier 
  Tirware: logiciel specialise dans le rangement des dossiers 
  Tupperware: Reunion de directrices de plusieurs entreprises 
  Vatferware: logiciel de controle d'acces

 

  Le parler de l'ingénieur  (ce qu'il dit et la signification précise) : 

  1. Différentes approches ont été essayées. 
    (On essaye encore de deviner ce qui se passe) 

    2. On approche d'une solution. 
    (On s'est réunis pour prendre un café) 

    3. On prépare un rapport complet, selon une approche entièrement nouvelle. 
    (On vient juste d'engager trois punks sortis de l'école) 

    4. Ce sera une avancée technologique majeure! 
    (ça fonctionne pas  mieux qu'avant, mais ça a une allure franchement  hi-tech...) 

    5. On peut tenir pour assuré que le client sera satisfait. 
    (On est tellement en retard sur le planning, que le client acceptera  n'importe quoi) 

    6. Les tests préliminaires n'ont pas été franchement concluants. 
    (Cette saloperie a planté des qu'on l'a lancée) 

    7. Les tests ont été vraiment encourageants! 
    (Incroyable ! ça a vraiment fonctionné !) 

    8. Il va falloir abandonner le concept en son entier. 
    (Le seul mec qui y comprenait quelque chose vient de démissionner.) 

    9. C'est en cours... 
    (On est tellement dans la merde que c'est sans espoir...) 

    10. Nous allons y jeter un coup d'oeil. 
    (Laissez tomber! On a déjà assez de problèmes comme ça) 

    11. Veuillez prendre note et initialiser les documents. 
    (Partageons les responsabilités à propos de ce merdier) 

    12. Faites-nous part de vos réflexions. 
    (On écoutera ce que vous avez à dire, autant que ca n'interfère pas 
    avec ce qui est déjà fait, ou avec ce que nous allons faire.) 

    13. Faites-nous part de votre interprétation. 
    (on a hâte d'entendre vos conneries) 

    14. Voyons-nous pour en discuter. 
    (passez à mon bureau :j'ai encore complètement foiré le truc) 

    15. Complètement nouveau! 
    (Les pièces ne sont pas interchangeables avec l'ancien modèle.) 

    16. Le résultat d'années de développement. 
    (On a réussi à en faire fonctionner un - finalement) 

    17. Ne nécessite aucune maintenance. 
    (Impossible à réparer) 

    18. Ne nécessite que peu de maintenance. 
    (Presque impossible à réparer)

 
  Letter sent to Dear Deirdre Advice Column in the Sun

  Dear Deirdre, 

  I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and 
  one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Cardiff. 
  My father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling 
  marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are 
  prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole 
  life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy 
  in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand on charges 
  of incest with his three children. 

  I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed 
  is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there 
  is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to 
  marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into  the possibility 
  of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of 
  the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would 
  be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to 
  prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and 
  hopefully the heroin. 

  My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her 
  into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should 
  I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh? 

  Yours Sincerely 

  Gavin 

 

 Next time you take the lift, try these :
 

 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the 
 shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 

 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go 
 back for more. 

 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong 
 ones. 

 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know 
 what  floor you're on. 

 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After 
 awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 

 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then 
 scream, "That's mine!" 

 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 

 8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask
 if they have an appointment. 

 9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 

 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if
 they hear something ticking. 

 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures 
 and  exits with the passengers. 

 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 

 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 

 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't 
 panic,  they open up again." 

 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 

 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 

 17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. 

 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut 
 up,  all of you, just shut up!" 

 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 
 "Got enough air in there?" 

 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, 
 without getting off. 

 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, 
 "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly. 

 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other 
 passengers. 

 23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 

 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a floor button. 

 25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
 announce,  "I have new socks on." 

 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the 
 other passengers, "This is my personal space."